Stuff Cougars Like

Many people peg Affluent Cougars to be superficial bitches who only care about their physical appearance and what time Real Housewives of Orange County comes on.  For the most part these judgmental son’s of bitches are right.  Affluent Cougars aren’t known for showing genuine compassion to people outside their family and social circle.  Affluent Cougars are usually ‘New Money’ and outside of seducing young men, they occupy most of their time climbing that golden hamster wheel known as the social ladder.  Many times in their flurry to impress the other gals in their Country Club with their Porche SUV’s, deceiving plastic surgery, and limited knowledge of California wine they often forget that a significant part of being affluent is philanthropy.  The old money gals already learned this at an early age because they usually attended some school or hospital with a wing dedicated to their great grandfathers.

It doesn’t occur to Affluent Cougars that philanthropy is essential to solidifying their status among the wealthy elite.  That’s until they’re at a cocktail party and they hear Phyllis Rogers, (of the Hartford, Connecticut Rogers) discussing plans for the Leukemia fundraiser she organizes each year.  A sense of fear overwhelms the Affluent Cougar in the pit of her stomach, because  this is the first time she’s been unable to contribute in a conversation.  This wasn’t in her social ladder climbing hand book.  Since she can’t contribute to Phyllis’ conversation about philanthropy, Affluent Cougar kindly excuses herself from the conversation as to not look stupid when its her turn to give Phyllis recommendations on who to appoint to her fundraising committee.  That night Affluent Cougar drives home violently cursing Phyllis Rogers for lobbing this grenade in her lap.  She feels Phyllis did it intentionally in an attempt to expose her as a new money bimbo posing as an aristocrat.  In the Affluent Cougar’s defense, she is not paranoid.  Phyllis and the rest of the old money wives at the club have never taken to the Affluent Cougar’s shapely body and flirtatious ways that make all their husband’s at the Club gawk.                                             

But Affluent Cougar will be damned if she lets a raison face hater like Phyllis Rogers put her on Front Street.  That night Affluent Cougar goes on the net and researches as much as she can on starting a charity.  She starts to get excited because she realizes that the fun in charities is throwing an exclusive party known as a fundraiser, where she will be the center of attention (fuck the cause of the charity that comes second to her).  Indeed she gets enough information on charities, she even finds out the personal charities each of her old money counter parts the Club chair.  The only problem is all of the more worthy causes such as cancer, AIDS, diabetes, poverty, and saving animals have already been taken by her Country Club rivals.   New Money Cougar has to find an original charity and pretend to be passionate about it.

For days she’s at a loss, she can’t find a unique charity to save her life.  Until one night she’s watching MTV2 and she hears some teenage pop sensation talking about how he delivers CD’s to homeless Guatemalan kids each year because they never heard his music before.  A light goes off in her head.  She will take a page from the arrogant, glib teenage pop idol’s book.  However, instead of providing CD’s to Guatemalan children Affluent Cougar will provide Hollywood grade make overs to homeless Palestinian mothers.  Because it is the opinion of the Affluent Cougar that homeless Palestinian mother’s fortunate enough to be provided with beauty makeovers will be empowered with the self esteem to remove those ‘god awful’ drapes (Burkas) they cover their body and faces with.  According to Affluent Cougar’s logic this new found self esteem will of course liberate homeless Palestinian mothers to turn their luck around and start to provide for their starving families.

Affluent Cougar has already reached out to her fabulous and similarly ignorant list of stylist who would love an opportunity to get any type of exposure no matter how misguided it may be.   Of course when the non profit community and the old money philanthropist at her Country Club catch wind of her new charity they can’t help but laugh behind Affluent Cougar’s back and make her the biggest joke of the Country Club.  However, the old timers at the club are oblivious to the depths of shallowness Western society has reached.  Not to mention, the power of contemporary public relations campaigns. Little did they know the Affluent Cougar has more top level marketing and PR operators in the back pocket of her Miss Sixty Jeans than flat chested teenage girls have tissues in  their bra.  Much to Affluent Cougar’s skeptics surprise her fundraiser to Makeover Homeless Palestinian Mothers was among the most successful fundraisers in its inaugural year, and it raised thousands of dollars more than Phyllis Rogers’ Lukemea fundraiser.   Phyllis Rogers and the other raison face haters at the Club now detest Affluent Cougar more than ever, but now they will never underestimate her drive for acceptance.

If Brunch is the Gazelle to Cougars ( a meal to recharge the body). Happy Hour is the Wilder Beast, the big kill if you will. Any trendy downtown bar, club or lounge, in any city should be looked at as the trading floor at the NYSE. This is the place were ego and satisfaction are won and lost. Not just for Cougars but for any sexually active human being trying to get laid. However, Happy Hour is prime time for Cougars because, unlike 20 something year olds its pretty rare to find Cougars trolling for prey at 3 to 4am or at some coke infested after hour’s party. Happy Hour is the time when the young professionals are getting loose. They’ve got their ties loosened, drinking their bourbon, posing with their barely lit cigars trying to be recognized.  And they are.

Babs and the girls are eagerly but patiently stalking the trio of Entry Level Employee Bachelors from the booth behind the triptych of fake bamboo trees. However, these Cougars do not want to pounce on the Alpha male of the group, he may be too hard to tame because his chances are high to land any girl of his choice. Not to mention they want to avoid the Alpha Male’s wit and sense of humor, just like a lioness avoids attacking the strongest mature water buffalo in the pack, a cougar does not want to risk having their ego fatally injured by the horns of the Alpha Male’s poignant joke.  Most likely the joke will be directed at the Cougars desperation. Plus if he did want to entertain her passes he would want to seduce the Cougar instead of being seduced, and a Cougar want’s none of that. On the other hand they don’t want the loser of the group.  You know the guy who’s constantly being left out of the conversation and not being notified when the group moved to the patio to take a smoke break, although Cougar’s want an impressionable young man they don’t want a complete loser.

The Cougar is stalking Entry Level Employee Bachelor no. 2. He’s the alpha male’s wing man, he’s the guy who has good looks but isn’t as charismatic as the alpha male to steal his thunder, nor is he a snore like the loser. He’s the Dean Martin of the group….he’s the gem that’s just the right temperature for the Cougar. While the Cougar is sipping her fruity Martini she’s plotting the next four months of her conquest (Cougar’s can often feed off of one kill for 4 to 6 months before they are hungry again). Before the Cougar pounces on her prey she has plans to seduce this young aspiring Entry Level Employee Bachelor, by breaking his ego and building it back up. During the Cougar’s short tenure with her prey she will educate him on the finer things in life. For instance, she will buy him suits that are cut better, she will encourage him to be more articulate, and she will aid him in shedding his juvenile and inexperienced ways. Eventually when the Cougar is done with her Entry Level Employee Bachelor and he’s dropped back in the serengehti known as Happy Hour, he will out savvy and out charm the Alpha Male. The Cougar will have transformed him from Matt Damon to George Clooney before his testicles have fully dropped. This is the cyclical food chain that happens at Happy Hour. The Cougar will avoid a particular watering hole for sometime after a kill, naturally they will migrate to another watering hole for more fresh unsuspecting prey.

Cougars thrive on seducing the younger less experienced male.  The mature Cougar does not have the built in network of young predatory males like her daughter’s generation has to pick from.  A Cougar that is interested in seducing younger men has to throw the traditional notion of courting out the window.  Although younger males are typically the hunter when it comes to courting their female peers, they are often too intimidated to approach a well seasoned Cougar.  Therefore, Cougars have to go on the offensive to snatch their prey of choice.  Being on the hunt is a turn on to Cougars, after years of sitting pretty and waiting for a man to woo them now they enjoy the same thrill that their male peers have been enjoying for years, and that’s the thrill of the hunt.  Although, Cougars are much more liberal with their sexuality now than they were in their 20’s they cannot become complete sluts right away.  Many Cougars get off from just teasing the inexperienced male to insanity.  There aren’t too many more greater feelings to a Cougar then flirting, rubbing, licking, and kissing a young male prey to blue balls.  Eventually they’ll sleep with the young buck, however, until that juncture this more experienced Cougar will toy with their young prey like a cat toys with a household mouse before it is eventually slayed.  But no need to feel sorry for the young male.  After realizing that he’s been blue balled he realizes that he still has plenty of time left until the bars closes.  There is still some desperate girl out there he can unleash his seed on.

Any Cougar worth her tens of thousands of dollars of designer heels keeps a well sculpted much younger personal trainer on speed dial.  The misconception is that Cougars have to cheat to achieve their attempt at anti aging bodies.  Although they do not spare a penny to pay for cosmetic imperfections (face lifts, boob jobs, tummy tucks etc.) most Cougar’s are painfully aware that staying in shape is essential to their survival.  Plastic surgery alone will not give them that body they need to compete with their 20 year old daughters.  In order to achieve anti aging bodies, Cougars hire personal trainers at their private work out facility.

 The need for a personal trainer has a double purpose.  One is to facilitate a scenario of sexual tension with a young sculpted beef cake who’s sole job is to make her look good, and shower her with endless compliments and make her feel that he is attainable at any given moment. The second purpose is not as cynical.  Cougars do not need to be reminded of what child birth can do to their once supple and carefree bodies.  Cougar’s often loose sleep at night regretting the days when they stayed at home fat and happy after child birth preoccupied with making a happy home oblivious to the fact that it would turn into a thankless job.  Because eventually their happy home that they worked so hard to create collapsed into a tomb of heartbreaking memories.  Eventually  their husband leaves them for another woman and their kids are off to college and all they have to show of it are their flabby out of shape post hottie bodies.  This painful sight makes them resentful and the only way to remedy it is to hit the gym with vengance.  Cougar’s according to many gym rats are known to hit the elyptical and tread mill as if they were on a 21st century time machine.  Almost as if these devices designed to condition their bodies have the ability to go back in time and correct all the bad decisions they made before they were married.  But their dedication to the gym is incomplete without a Vin Deisel like guru to show her the path to the ultimate “Screw me on the spot” body.

For some reason Cougars enjoy driving SUV’s.  Their common excuse for them driving these fuel guzzling monstrosities is that they can barely handle, is that they are driving them for the safety of their kids.  This is partially true.  SUV’s are bigger and can better accommodate soccer mom’s when they’re executing their ‘To Do List’.  However, minivans can accommodate family’s better than an SUV, however, what Cougar wants to be seen in a minivan and be perceived as old and domesticated?  Moreover, let’s face it the main reason Cougars like driving SUVs is they enjoy the power of feeling superior on the road.  So next time you’re in the Driver’s lane and you see a Cougar’s in your rear view mirror and she’s breathing heavy, because you’re only driving the speed limit, just get into the slow lane son and let her hunt.

Animal print fashion accessories is not exclusive to Cougars, however, it’s almost as if it’s a right of passage for a Cougar to own a cheetah print scarf, zebra print hang bag or snake skin pumps.  

The desire for Cougars to covet such accessories can be traced to the very essence of what an actual Cougar is, just like the animal a Cougar in the human sense is a woman on the prowl or hunt. Cougars must stalk and hunt their prey.  It is the opinion of many Cougar enthusiasts that Cougar’s covet animal print fashion accessories as trophies of strength.  The same way ancient Native American tribes collected and wore the fur of the Buffalo in order to conjure up the spirit of the Buffalo when hunting.  Conversely, if a Cougar is going to stalk its young impressionable prey in their rain forest (happy hour bars and clubs) they need to channel the spirits of real carnivorous hunters.  These trophies increase their hunting prowess and it also helps a Cougar raise their profile and dominance among other Cougars on the prowl.   

Interesting note:  Traditionally Cougar’s animal Accessory prints would be genuine articles.  For instance, they would really wear 100% Snake skin shoes or boots or 100% mink coats.  However, the contemporary Cougar is Politically Correct and wearing genuine articles of clothing made of real animal hide is not acceptable.  Cougar’s follow the trends of what is socially acceptable…..in Hollywood.  If Demi Moore and Susan Sarandon don’t approve of wearing real animal hide then neither will your rank and file Cougar.